Monday, January 28, 2013

The longest Tangent

Well, since I'm on maternity leave now, tying up stacks of old magazines to throw out and giving half an eye to various room dimensions, trying to figure out where all the new stuff is going to fit, I thought I'd have time to write a blog to keep future me amused (hi me!). But I kind of went off on a super long tangent, so in the interest of laziness I'm cutting it out and posting it as a separate entry.
Two blogs for the price of one! Don't say I never did anything for you!
Last month I was busy busy, finishing up stuff at work, reading list after list on how to get ready for the adorable little gremlin about to come into our lives, making lists of my own, quickly minimizing the screen filled with embarrasing big belly stock photos on pages like and whenever a coworker passed behind my desk.
I learned a lot. Like maybe too much. Yesterday on my powerwalk in the park (see? keeping up with the exercise! just like my dream. so I'd better have an easy labor, dream, you promised), I found myself making up a quiz on aspects of labor.
Here are some questions. Do you know the answer? chances are if you're 34 weeks into your first pregnancy, and have access to the internet, you do now!
Q1. Name six disgusting things that will come out out you from down there. You can count fluids expelled from as early as a week before your due date.
Q2. What are Kegels?
Q3. What are the names of the three phases of labor?
Q4. Okay, but the first phase has its own three subphases. what are those.
Q5. Of the three subphases, which is the shortest one, but happens to be the one where people report feels like 'your pelvis is being run over repeatedly by a cement mixer'?
Q6. Name two methods with natural pain-coping techniques?
Q7. You realize the cement mixer will laugh at your feeble attempts at these techniques, right? (okay, just checking.)

Here are the answers to the quiz!
1a. 'mucous plug; aka bloody show'
1b.'amniotic fluid - aka water breaking'
1c. 'poop - while delivering'
1d.'if a late labor- baby poo, which is a tar-like black substance called 'meconium'
1f. ... admit it. it's kinda gross at this point. I'll give you a point if you say 'baby'

2.vagina toning exercises. I kid you not. Better hope you've been doing them, because if not, you may be wetting yourself FOREVER after childbirth. Or maybe you shouldn't do them, it might make it worse. Squats might be better, depending on what physiologist's blog you read, while nibbling your nails in fear.
3.labor, pushing, afterbirth
4.early, active, transition
5.transition. 'it's "only" a couple of hours! get over it ladies!'
6. Lamaze, which consists of visualization and breathing techniques. Bradley method, which involves the husband somehow, I should probably look into this. Maybe as using him as a punching bag during the more painful contractions. Takeshi takes boxing, he can probably take it.

..did I scare you? I'm not scared, more like mildly amused slash annoyed. But I'd like to keep you all terrified to make me feel confident, well-informed and self-assured, relatively speaking. After all, I have a web full of information at my fingertips!... the jury is still out on whether this is a good or a bad thing ;)